Dan Byl

Where to start? I will start with right now and then move forward and backward, I don’t think starting at the beginning makes much sense – as dealing with self acceptance is a day to day, in the moment battle. And right now I am in the thick of it.

Last week I went for a colonoscopy – this is a medical procedure that allows the doctors to examine the inside of your colon (fun it is not). Why would I go for such an exam? 3 years ago I was diagnosed with chrones, an auto-immune disease where my intestines attack themselves. When I was diagnosed I felt like my life had been ripped away from me. I had watched my little sister, who is seven years younger than me, deal with it from the time she was 12. With multiple surgeries and constant pain her battle had not gone so well.

I was afraid, I was mad, and I felt like I had probably done something to deserve it. A year ago this week, I had 3 feet of my small intestine removed, the doctors said that they thought they had gotten all the diseased area and that things could begin to work again. So the doctors went for a one-year anniversary tour of my guts. What they found was that the chrones was back.

This result has had serious repercussions on my self worth, my emotions, and my mind. A large number of fears raced to the surface: I was afraid that I would give this disease to my kids, I wouldn’t be a solid male figure because my health could go at any moment, I wouldn’t be able to provide for my wife and family and I would hold back the people in my life.

When I was in the hospital a year ago both my wife and I felt that God said he would heal me and free me from this disease, so why was it back? What had I done wrong? Had we both heard wrong? I have had many unanswered questions racing through my mind. And as a result my self worth and my ability to accept my self has really been at an all time low. My wife encouraged me a couple days ago, she said that if I gave up and lived like a sick person my body and mind would suffer and inevitably I would end up extremely sick. I needed to trust God, and live my life positively and not get stuck in this self-destructive thought pattern. So far it has been a battle but I am slowly getting my mind and thoughts back on track.

I am still questioning God and wondering what is up, and if the “heal Dan” sticky fell off of his fridge. Nonetheless I am learning to trust him and I am praying that I wont end up back on the operating table.

Email this post