Fried Chicken

This may seem a bit random, but if life was a straight forward affair I probably wouldn’t have as many struggles with self acceptance and self worth as I do. After a brief counseling session I was faced with a question, a choice, do I let the things in my life ruin my days for days on end, or do I decide to carpe the diem. Do I choose to make the most out of this moment, where I am not limited by what could limit me in the future?

I had to come home and choose to be different to be happy to think positive to have fun, to give my fears to God. This thought solidified its self in my mind as I was thinking about something seemingly unrelated. I was talking to my wife about the news, how many Christians I know will not watch the news, they feel that it breeds fear and they don’t want to let that into their homes. This may be true but as Christians we should be able to watch the news with out feeling the gnarly claws of fear tearing at us. Why? Because our hope and safety and all that we are rests in Gods hands and not our own or the men making decisions on television. I told my wife I believe that Christians in particular should be watching the news, that we should stay current, we are the ones that are supposed to be making a difference and taking a stand in this world, how can we do this if we don’t follow the local current affairs.

And on that note I realized that I have not been going to God, I have not been staying up to date on the current affairs of my life, what God has planned for me what God wants from me today. I have been focusing on the future on a time that may not even come, and focusing on the what ifs. I needed to trust that my future my life is in Gods hands and that my crohns is just another news story, something like global worming. I have a responsibility to do what I can to prevent it, to take care of the environment or my body to the best of my ability, but that the future is in Gods hands and I can’t live in fear. I can’t let the fear of no more winter, and melting polar ice caps prevent me from experiencing today. I had a choice to make, and right now I am doing my best to make the right choice.

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It’s funny how we can grow accustomed to living a certain way and responding a certain way. When A happens we do B, which almost always gives us C, which is a place that we often don’t like to be. Of course I am talking about negative responses to incidents that occur almost daily in our lives. So why do we continue to respond a certain way, a way that often leaves us unhappy and feeling down about our selves.

Perspective often plays a large part in this continual occurrence. We can’t see how we respond; we can’t take responsibility for our response. We play it off as the other persons fault, we blame shift, we direct our anger outwards.

How do we begin to change this pattern, by asking others what they saw happen, by allowing people in our lives to keep us accountable even if it seems awkward. We need to add some perspective to our lives. We need to be able to step back and see the situation from the other side if we hope to begin to change our responses.

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Do you believe God is Good?

Do you believe God is up to something good?

These were the questions given to me during a counseling session, these questions were in regards to the results of my colonoscopy. It there are interesting in the way that if you believe that the things that are happening in your life are for purpose, not just random chance. It takes a lot of the pressure of ones self.

You have to let go of your situations, your surroundings and give control over to God. When we do this, it’s not about our ability or even what we can do. It takes the away our ability to beat our selves up. It takes away from the pressure we put on our selves to get it right or fix the situation.

These are the two questions I am wrestling with at the present moment, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t know if I really believe either of those things. I am doubting right now. I am hoping I will see the good things God is going to do or be before I really have to decide one way or the other.

What do you believe in regards to these two questions.

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Where to start? I will start with right now and then move forward and backward, I don’t think starting at the beginning makes much sense, as dealing with self acceptance is a day to day, in the moment battle. And right now I am in the thick of it.

Last week I went for a colonoscopy, this is a medical procedure that allows the doctors to exam the inside of your colon. (fun it is not) Why would I go for such an exam? 3 years ago I was diagnosed with chrones, an “auto immune” disease where my intestines attack themselves. When I was diagnosed I felt like my life had been ripped away from me. I had watched my little sister, who is seven years younger then me deal with it from the time she was 12. With multiple surgeries and constant pain her battle had not gone so well.

I was afraid, I was mad, and I felt like I had probably done something to deserve it. A year ago this week, I had 3 feet of my small intestine removed, the doctors said that they thought they had gotten all the diseased area and that things could begin to work again. So the doctors went for a one-year anniversary tour of my guts. What they found was that the chrones was back.

This result has had serious repercussions on my self worth, my emotions, and my mind. A large number of fears raced to the surface, I was afraid that I would give this disease to my kids, I wouldn’t be a solid male figure because my health could go at any moment, I wouldn’t be able to provide for my wife and family and I would hold back the people in my life.

When I was in the hospital a year ago both my wife and I felt that God said he would heal me and free me from this disease, so why was it back? What had I done wrong? Had we both heard wrong? I have had many unanswered questions racing through my mind. And as a result my self worth and my ability to accept my self has really been at an all time low. My wife encouraged me a couple days ago, she said that if I gave up and lived like a sick person my body and mind would suffer and inevitably I would end up extremely sick. I needed to trust God, and live my life positively, not get stuck in this self-destructive thought pattern. So far it has been a battle but I am slowly getting my mind and thoughts back on track.

I am still questioning God and wondering what is up, and if the heal Dan sticky not fell of his fridge, but I am learning to trust him and I am praying that I wont end up back on the operating table.

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My friend Jared said something the other day that seemed to resonate in my mind, “images in the mirror are closer then they appear.” I am going to take this statement completely out of context.

In order for us to see our selves we need a mirror, often this mirror comes in the shape of our friends or the people closest to us. How they see us will determine many times how we see ourselves. If the people around us think we are worthy of praise then our self-worth will sky rocket, but if the people around us are critical and negative our self-worth will plummet. This was not the way we were designed; we were made to get our worth, our value from our creator. But lets be honest how many of really get our value from God and not from that new out fit or haircut we just got.

I want to share my journey of trying to get my value from the right place, explore some of the places That have failed and as a result sent me running after approval in all the wrong places, yes that’s right even guys can look for approval in all the wrong places.” I want to share some tools, some solutions, and shed some light on this topic.

I can honestly say that this is not a topic I have ever heard someone preach on at church, but yet it seems to be one of the most core issues that we face as people. I think that most people are afraid to admit they struggle with self acceptance. So I am going to be honest about my ups and downs and my struggles to accept my self on a day to day journey.

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I have been thinking a great deal about my blog, the direction I want to take it, the message I want to communicate, and how to tie it into my own life in a very real way. I have spent a lot of time writing about many random and disconnected topics, however there do seem to be a couple reoccurring themes like forgiveness, our church society, and personal development.

But I feel like I am supposed to share a part of my journey that I have been on now for quite some time, a journey of self-acceptance. Most of us struggle with this on some level, this is a topic I have been wrestling with for a number of years. I hope that my journey can inspire hope that this battle can be won and that walking in wholeness is possible.

There are going to be a few changes made to this site as a result, I am going to change my posting schedule from every days to 3 time a week, And the name and look are up in the air.

I am going to be taking a week off of writing to start putting together some ideas together. I am looking forward to starting on this new project and bringing some focus to my blog.

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